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Happy Monday, everyone. It’s great to be back– for now. So I had an anniversary this weekend. Yes, it was the seventh anniversary of the first time I saw Kim Kardashian’s butt in person. See? That is me right there. I’m behind her and to the right. And you can clearly see my eyes were laser-focused on that thing. And that thing was so big, it kind of felt like it was staring back.
Now, this happened in 2016 at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. I haven’t gone since because how could I top that? But this weekend’s version of the event also reminded me why I haven’t been back either. Mainstream media sucks, and it’s worse in a tux because the coverage reminds us of exactly what it really is about– something I call ego-affirming care. It’s where members of the so-called free press can inflate their self-esteem like Chinese spy balloons. And like every award show, it’s artificially created as a reminder that they matter. It’s where they can savor shrimp cocktail, along with the smell of Joe Biden’s lingering farts. They smell like butterscotch.
That’s what happens when you main line Werthers. Now, to say D.C. is Hollywood for ugly people is unfair to ugly people. At least ugly folks hide their faces when they’re not on CNN. So, as usual, the media puts a staggering amount of energy to invite people that make themselves look cool, as the Washington Post points out “a good guest can help validate the importance of a news organization. And the jockeying for dinner guests starts as early as January.” So Brittney Griner was a guest of CBS.
You know, it’s a good thing we got that trade done for the Russian arms dealer in time. Right? Because she brought the weed and guests needed to be really high to laugh at most of those jokes. She sat with Gayle King, who was relieved to not be the tallest lesbian in the room. She’s straight. But as always, it was surreal to watch some of the worst people in Washington rub shoulders with some of the worst people in Hollywood. That Adams family reboot looks pretty good right now. They’ve already cast Lurch.
John Legend and Chrissy Teigen were also there. And like any good royal, Chrissy had some helpful servants to carry the train of her dress. They should just be thankful they’ll never have to do that for Eric Swalwell. You know, because he farts. You know, maybe we should just kill that joke. After a while nobody ever remembers it. So why were those two there? Well, they were guests of NBC News, but better question. Why are they there? NBC must really hate the press to inflict that kind of torture on this group. It’s a cute prank, of course. Invite the most insufferable, insufferable Cretans and let them flaunt their superiority all over you. Plus, they smell. I don’t know that, but I thought I’d add that.
Now, the night was also a chance for reporters to get chummy with the world’s biggest dummy. It had to be stressful for Joe’s handlers. Whenever he’s under the bright lights, they’re afraid he’ll walk toward them. Although I wonder in a lot of ways, does this dinner sum up his first two years in office where he talks for 10 minutes, takes zero questions, and then cheerfully walks away?
JOE BIDEN: A lot of ways this dinner sums up my first two years in office. I’ll talk for 10 minutes, take zero questions, and cheerfully walk away.
The difference here being he didn’t fall off the stage trying to fist-bump Casper the Friendly Ghost. The most powerful man in the free world just bragged about his contempt for the press, and they all just sat there and chuckled. Ha ha. Good one, boss. You keep tossing us the rotting fish and we’ll keep clapping like trained seals. Or how about this wisecrack?
JOE BIDEN: I had a lot of Ron DeSantis jokes ready but Mickey Mouse beat the hell out of me and got there first.
Mickey Mouse beat the hell out of him. For what? Trying to sniff his ears? No doubt a mouse could kick Biden’s ass. At this point, I wouldn’t take Joe over Tinker Bell, but that line made zero sense. So maybe it does sum up his time as president. I think maybe the teleprompter said Mickey Mouse beat him to it and Joe screwed up the punch line. You know, he’s the first president to read at a third-grade level. It’s too bad that people have to pretend the president’s jokes were funny, which you wouldn’t have to do if Trump was there.
DONALD TRUMP: You’d think at least one time he’d get up and say, I’m running for president? Where am I going? Where the hell am I going? I want to get out. Oh, no. Over there. Over there.
And, you know, Joe’s decrepit when you’re getting mocked by a 76–year–old. But it’s too bad Trump never went because he would have killed and not in the Hillary Clinton way. Washington Post reporter Matt Viser won the Aldo Beckman Award for capturing the spirit of Joe Biden. And that’s a tough spirit to capture since it flees Joe’s body when he flatlines five times a week.
WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS DINNER PRESENTER: The judges said Matt Viser stood out among its competitors for work that went beyond the humdrum of covering the managed events of the presidency in the White House. Viser captured the spirit of Joe Biden, particularly with stories about the president’s brother and how his Catholic faith influenced his strategic vision of the office. The WHCA is pleased to give the Aldo Beckman Award to Matt Viser.
So his Catholic faith influenced his vision for the office? How exactly?And you know, defending abortion up until the kid could do his timetables.
So a reporter gets an award for kissing the president’s ass. How’s that for speaking truth to power? But there are a few good reporters there, right? They were easy to spot because they were all from the same place. And unlike the crowd, they weren’t ugly. Look at these four hotties. These four striking ladies propping up a billboard for gamblers anonymous.
Now, you might be saying, Greg, you’re better looking than all of them. Why didn’t you go? Thank you. You’re right. But I couldn’t, because Saturday night is twister night at the orphanage.