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Happy Monday, everybody. What a big night, huh? We’ve officially moved to 10 p.m.! Earlier and earlier and earlier. Some fans are already talking about the impact of the change. Listen up, folks.
BILL O’REILLY: Greg Gutfeld on a cable network beats all of them. Okay? Because he’s moderately entertaining. They are not.
CHRIS CUOMO: Unless you are an extreme righty, he is a toxic little person.
A toxic little person. Easy there, Fredo. Why does Chris always have that same desperate look on his face? He’s like a skydiver, realizing that after jumping, he had packed his laundry and not a parachute. Anyway, it’s July 17th. You can now add fun and truth to this date in history because our show is a delicious sandwich of both. And boy, does this world need that sandwich right now because it’s full of unanswered questions. Some things we’ll never get to the bottom of. Take the curious case of the White House coke. It’s like an episode of Scooby Doo but without the investigative prowess of a talking dog. I mean, how hard would it be for Scooby-Doo to find out whose coke that belonged to?
SCOOBY DOO VIDEO SKIT.
See how easy that was?! But somehow at the White House, there were no clues from inside the world’s most secure building. Agents found no video, no prints, no DNA, nothing. But, hey, they did the best they could, right?
NATIONAL SECURITY COUNCIL SPOKESPERSON JOHN KIRBY: They did the best they could to track down how it got there and who it might have belonged to. And they just were not able to come up with any forensic evidence that proves it. It’s not the kind of thing we want to see happen. If there’s things we can do to prevent that in the future, certainly we’ll do that.
Oh, of course. Wow, he was talking really fast. Did you notice that? What’s going on there? Anyway, so there you have it. The case file is as empty as our VP’s head. Maybe they should hire “The View” to investigate.
“THE VIEW’S” JOY BEHAR: So is this more fodder for the Republican machine? Conspiracy machine?
“THE VIEW’S” ANA NAVARRO: No matter what the answer would have been, they were always going to blame Hunter Biden. They are weaponizing Hunter Biden against his dad as an effective tool to get his dad to lose his cool and to get his dad to feel the heartache. And there’s people who might believe that it was planted for somebody so that then they could advance the Hunter Biden narrative.
Yeah. Did you catch that? According to that lady, somebody planted the cocaine to frame Hunter. Because, you know, what would he want with cocaine? Yeah. If only if there were photographic evidence of Hunter’s drug use, you know, maybe then we could believe that coke belonged to him, huh? Yeah, seeing the ladies of “The View,” try and use deductive reasoning is like watching bears try to do geometry. In fact, I think “The View” should get their own NBC series– Law and Order Special Moron Unit. But I guess “The View” does know a little about someone trying to plant coke. Somebody keeps planting diet ones in their fridge. It was OK.
Now consider the case of the Gilgo Beach killer. A task force examined 12-year-old evidence and made an arrest on three murdered women. And the slam dunk was, of course, DNA from a hair that’s 12 years old. Remember, people, if you’re going to murder someone, always wear a hairnet. And just like in that Idaho murder case where the cops got DNA off the sheath of a knife at the crime scene, DNA, always at the crime scene. It’s like Brian Kilmeade on the airwaves. He’s everywhere and you can’t get rid of him. According to reporting, the chances of that DNA not belonging to Bryan Kohberger is an octillion to one. That is a one followed by 27 zeros, which sounds like Geraldo’s Twitter account.
That was pretty good. A one followed by 27 zeros. I’m kind of proud of that. I might just let it sink in for a while. But that’s literally more than every grain of sand on Earth, more the chances that Jesse Watters ever picks up a bar tab. It’s funny how that works– when the investigators really want to catch someone, press conferences are held, task forces are formed, mysteries get solved. But apparently not in today’s White House.
Seriously, how coke got there is a mystery. But really, how our current president got in the White House is an even bigger one. I mean, it’s harder to believe 80 million people voted for that mess than it is that Hunter was snorting lines off a bust in the Lincoln bedroom. And so the great White House coke caper will soon be the coldest case since my massage therapist never made it to his next appointment. Yeah, these days, I guess they’re just things we’re never supposed to know. For instance, who were the visitors to Epstein’s island? Well, there’s this guy, apparently, LinkedIn co-founder Reid Hoffman. He was not only on Epstein’s guest list, he also just gave Joe’s campaign $700 grand. So away goes that story, because obviously, does Biden’s DOJ ever investigate people who give them that kind of cash?
Will we ever know what Hunter promised a Chinese businessman when he demanded 5 million bucks from him, all while saying the big guy, you know, the vice president, was sitting beside him and back then, without the help of a visiting angel? He got the money a few days later, by the way. Will we ever learn why the wife of Moscow’s mayor gave Hunter’s company $100 million bucks and how much of it went directly to Joe and how much directly up Hunter’s nose?
Will we ever know why Ukrainian energy company Burisma was paying Hunter a million a year, but only until his daddy left office? Is there a rule in the FBI handbook that says any case with the word Hunter in it shouldn’t be investigated? The guy’s like the Bermuda Triangle of the Beltway, things disappear and you don’t have to wear pants. Yeah, but really, all these mysteries really answer themselves. You know the answers. But there’s one total mystery that I don’t think anyone has solved. Who exactly is running the country? Because America, it can’t possibly be this guy.
VIDEO OF PRESIDENT BIDEN FALLING